In the previous article, we discussed how to make divorce easier on a child before it takes place. This article offers suggestions on how to tackle the aftermath.
Parent, Heal Thyself First…
Take care of yourself. If we are not able to deal with our own emotions, how will we help our children to deal with theirs? Understand and accept your emotions first and then listen to your child with a heart filled with love. Don’t let your child see you depressed.
Express the pain you are feeling, but do not burden your child with your emotional baggage. Share the pain and explain to your child that even though the pain seems unbearable right now, time will heal it and help both of you to adjust to a new way of life.
If you are not able to deal with your own feelings, talk to someone you trust – a close friend, relative or go to a counsellor, if required. Remember, unburdening your own heart will ease the process and help you to cope with your child in a better manner.
Be Around
Be available to your child, mentally, emotionally and physically. Children often become clingier and demand more attention after their parents separate or divorce – even from the non-custodial parent. They fear that since one parent has left them, the other may leave them too.
Demonstrate love and affection more frequently without letting the clinginess become a habit. If your child shuts you out and refuses to talk, understand and respect her feelings. Let her know that you are always there for her, no matter what.
Don’t:
• Try too hard to make up for the loss by giving your child exorbitant presents or expensive outings. The best thing you can give them is your time and yourself. Don’t let guilt or helplessness take over.
• Allow your child to disrespect your feelings too. If he blames you for the divorce, tell him calmly and politely that it was a decision made by two mature adults and you are sorry they he had to suffer too. Then add that though you love him a lot and will always be there for him, you will not be spoken to rudely or treated with disrespect.
Enforce Compassionate Discipline
Tantrums may increase after parents divorce. Your child may start misbehaving more as a way of dealing with the anger and pain. Understand her behavior, but don’t become an overly permissive parent.
Allow for a little flexibility in the discipline rules but don’t discard them altogether. Children feel more secure when reasonable limits are set. This consistency helps them cope with most stress. Knowing that things will stay the same, even in the discipline area, is a big reassurance for them.
Involve Your Spouse
Inform your ex-spouse of any event or function related to your child’s school and other activities in advance. Both parents must take out time for these important events in the child’s life, be it a sports’ day, parents’ day at school or a birthday. Seeing both of you present at these will show your love in more ways than you can imagine.
Heal yourself and your kids so you can all come out as stronger, secure and balanced individuals
Let Go
Let your children maintain their relationship with your ex. This means allowing them to have a loving, fulfilling relationship with the other parent and with all family members the child is close to. The extended family and friends of the parents also play a great role after a divorce.
Don’t become insecure and make your children feel bad about showing affection and concern towards your ex. Most importantly, don’t criticize your ex in front of your children – this can have terrible consequences.
Continue routine schedules as before. If you are the custodial parent, make as few changes as possible in your child’s day-to-day activities. This includes classes that they have been attending, play dates with friends and even simple things like bedtime and mealtime routines. Be consistent with schedules – they are great healers. Simultaneously, make new plans with your child, too.
Keep Your Arguments To Yourselves
Divorced parents often engage in recriminations and arguments after the fact. If you cannot avoid these, keep your children out of them. Continuing conflict between parents affects the child more than the separation itself.
Don’t make your child take sides between the two of you, and don’t use them as spies to get information about your ex-spouse. If you need to find out something, be mature and ask your ex directly. Also, asking children to hide information amounts to lying and teaches them that lying is acceptable.
Above all, keep your child’s best interest in mind and act from a place of love. This will help your child to cope better, give them more peace of mind and avert any emotional and mental trauma. It may take several months or years for the child to get over the pain – and a lot depends on the attitude, determination and mutual kindness and love of both the parents.
Receiving lots of love from everyone at this time will make it easier for them to cushion the pain of the divorce and come out as stronger, secure and balanced individuals.
© Rupal Patel is a child psychologist and parent counselor. This article may be reprinted with a link back to Loving Your Child.
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