On paper being a child of divorced parents might look great. They get two lots of everything, two homes, two bikes, two televisions and two sets of pocket money if they’re lucky. Unfortunately in reality it’s not quite as exciting.
A young child living through their parents’ divorce can experience more pain and upset than the adults. They won’t understand the technicalities or exactly what’s going on and it’s unfair to burden your children with your marital problems. The best thing you can do is be there to support them and try to remain as adult and civil with regards to your soon-to-be ex-partner as possible.
The most important thing to do when going through a divorce is to remember that you’re the grown up and they’re the child. This means you should never say anything derogatory about your other half no matter what they’ve done. It’s important your children are allowed to make their own minds up once they’re old enough.
If your children hear you walking around saying unpleasant things about your partner or even being offensive they’ll assume it’s aright that they do the same. Before you know it you’ve got a call from their school because they’ve used some very colorful language when the teacher asked them to quieten down.
If you’re finding it difficult to remain civil to your partner or they’re making it impossible to have a rational conversation ensure you only communicate through your divorce solicitors. It’s what they’re there for and it will make your life much less stressful.
Whilst it’s important that you remember you’re the grown up you also need to remember they’re your children. They’re not your bargaining chip or your means to revenge. Even if your partner has hurt you, you cannot use your children to get your own back.
This means you shouldn’t treat them any differently to how you usually would. You cannot offer them sweets if they promise to love you more and Santa cannot promise to get them a pony if they choose to spend Christmas with you.
Never say anything derogatory about your other half in front of the kids
You should also bear in mind they’re your children are not your mates down the pub. No child needs to know that their daddy has been playing away or that their mother has the warmth of an ice cube. If you need to vent that’s what your friends are for.
If you are venting to your friends make sure it’s not at the school gates or to a parent of one of your child’s friends unless you can trust they’re going to keep it to themselves. You’re children don’t need to hear it in the playground any more than they need to hear it at the dinner table.
If you feel your child is old enough to understand what’s going on try to explain it to them in a grown up manor. This doesn’t mean telling them the details of your marriage breakdown but rather keeping them in the loop.
If either you or your partner are going to be moving and it’s going to impact them try to keep them involved. Let them see their second house, let them chose the wallpaper for their new bedroom.
Explain what’s going on in a simple and factual way whilst reassuring them that it’s not their fault and you both still love them.
Copyright © Kimberlie Hutson
Kimberlie Hutson works for Bennett Griffin, experts in family and personal law who appreciate the sensitivity and individuality of each individual case.
This article may be reproduced with the complete author bio and a link back to http://www.lovingyourchild.com
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Additional resources:
- How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide – This unique book doesn’t just tell you what to say — it says it for you! Fill-in-the-blank templates show parents how to create a storybook with family photos and history to simplify this tough conversation. With therapist advice. Professionally endorsed.
- Child Custody: Finding The Right Custody Lawyer – Find the right attorney to handle your child custody case.
- Co-parenting Nightmare – Are you co-parenting with someone who is crazy, diagnosed with mental illness or a substance abuser? Are you constantly in court fighting over child custody or visitation issues? Learn strategies to help you and your children cope with a tough situation.
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How To Cope With Your Parents’ Divorce
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