“Together or apart, you are my child forever”
The decision to divorce is not an easy one. Even when the decision to divorce is mutual, there is still a lot at stake. There is the fear of coping with things alone, of losing relationships, facing the world and (the biggest fear of all) how it will affect the children.
Yes, the ideal situation for any child is to live in a two-parent home where the parents love each other and the child. However, statistics show that a child in a happy single parent situation fares better than a child living in a home beset with constant fighting and bickering.
It has also been proved that it is not the act of divorce itself but the process involved that determines its effects on children. Separation and divorce can be very distressing for children, but there are ways to ease the agony.
1. Break the News
When you have made the decision to divorce, both parents should tell the children together. Choose a time when you are not rushed or pressed for any appointments even after the talk. Children will need your emotional support and your quiet presence can also help them. Discuss beforehand what you would like to tell them.
2. Explain compassionately
Let your children know what is happening. Most parents think that keeping things from children spares them pain – but not knowing what is happening is more disturbing for children. They have no power over the decisions being made, but they have a right to know what is happening and how it will affect their lives.
Tell them in a manner that is easy for them to understand. Answer all their questions honestly, but spare them the unnecessary details. For e.g. if they ask you the reason for the break up, you can say that the two of you can’t get along anymore, despite trying to make it work (if that is the truth). They don’t need the details.
Let them know that it is the decision of two mature adults – and even though you will not be living together, they will still get the love and support of both the parents. Explain the living arrangements to them and the changes that will take place. Reassure them at all times that your love is forever. They need to know that they will be taken care of just like before.
3. Tell them that it is not their fault
I cannot stress enough how important this is. Children need to be told repeatedly that the divorce is not their fault. Young children, in particular, live in a world where they think that everything that happens is because of them. They may blame themselves and start believing that their misbehavior is the reason you are leaving them.
Keep reassuring them that the divorce is not their fault – that there is nothing they have done to cause this and also that there is nothing they can do to undo it. Display your affection – give them lots of hugs and express your love to them in all ways. Let them know you will always be their parent, whether you live together or apart.
The process of divorce can be very distressing for your children
4. Listen to them
Allow them to express their feelings – acknowledge and accept them, and understand the underlying emotions. Don’t tell them not to be upset or cry. Instead, reassure them of your love at all times. Expect anger and allow them to release it. Feelings, once expressed, are much easier to deal with. This is a very difficult time for them too; they are going through a lot of confusion.
5. Stay calm
This may be difficult when we see children crying or saying things that upset us further – but if we as adults cannot deal with our emotions, how can we expect them to control theirs? Be calm while talking and listening to them.
If this is beyond you, take time out and then deal with them. It is okay to tell the child that you are upset and would like to talk about it a little later. Just be sure to follow through on that.
6. Don’t expose the child to marital conflict
Be especially careful not to argue or start fighting in front of the children. Don’t blame each other or resort to mud flinging. Children don’t like to hear bad things about their parents, right or wrong. Seeing either parent being hurt leaves the child in pain.
Most especially, leave the children out of custody issues. Don’t discuss living arrangements and child-care schedules in front of your children. They get very distressed when they see the parents fighting over them, and may blame themselves even more.
7. Don’t make them choose
Don’t ask the child to choose between the two parents. This is extremely unfair, akin to asking them if they want the right or the left eye.
8. Work out the best parenting plan for them
Show your love towards your child by willingly being a part of a parenting plan that will benefit the child the most. Allow your children to grow in an environment that will benefit them the most.
Whether a custodial or a non-custodial parent, continue expressing your love towards your children at all times. Let the experience be relatively smooth sailing for the child. That is the greatest support you can give them.
© Rupal Patel is a child psychologist and parent counsellor. This article may be reprinted with a link back to Loving Your Child.
Image credit LilGoldWmn
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